Reflections During The Void
by mescarlett
Summary: When encapsulated in the darkness of the Void, Captain Kathryn Janeway exhibited a number of emotional times that caused her to debate many decisions she had made over the past few years. During the course of her seclusion from the crew, she also dwells on a past event that makes things even more emotional for her - New Earth.


**Please note, this if my first ever 'published' fan fiction. I often write a lot, but never have gotten up the nerve to share anything. Please be gentle and kind. This is purely fictional and based off the characters from Star Trek Voyager, whom I have no ties or rights to. I hope you will allow yourself to travel to this alternate reality and explore the possibilities of other scenarios, and enjoy!**

" _You know, Chakotay, it occurs to me, we aren't exactly in a command structure anymore. Maybe you should call me Kathryn."_

"And call me Kathryn, you did," I muttered while withdrawing myself from a major flashback that I was having while I sat in one of my chairs in my quarters, coffee mug in hand, staring out the windows at the mass of blackness that shards my view. We were in the middle of the wretched void, and I had all but holed myself away from the entire crew. My emotions were getting the best of me, and when that happens, I don't want anyone to come remotely clear of seeing me in that realm.

I'm their Captain, the leader of this prestigious ship, yet I'm also the one responsible for getting them trapped here. Yet here in the middle of all this depression and maybe even desperation, I think of that one place that I try my hardest not to dwell on - New Earth.

What possessed me to think of that place while attempting to somehow unwind for the evening, I will never know, but then again, I would be lying to myself and anyone else if I said I couldn't shake New Earth from my memory. Did it possess me? No, not really, as I had to force myself to bury the true Kathryn deep behind the mask of the Captain Janeway. But New Earth is almost sacred in some regards within my thoughts. It is a barrier that I never cross with anyone. Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, even the Doctor have all tried to pry and ask about our experience there, but I just couldn't bring myself to ever talk about it. Not with them, and certainly not with him.

He had never called me by my given name prior to those months we were trapped there. Amazing in some ways, the respect that this man held for me. Here a former rebel, who strongly and willfully had come to have a distaste for Starfleet, suddenly became my captive and ultimately my First Officer. During the near two years following our being sucked in to the Delta Quadrant, he had never once dropped the rank to call me by my given name. Strange in some ways that he ultimately waited until I gave him permission before he crossed that line.

And Oh! The way my name rolled off his tongue that night he finally called me by my birth name. The inflection in his voice, it gave me a feeling that I had never had before. Not with Mark. Not even with Justin. What was it that caused me to almost momentarily pause each time he said Kathryn?

You know sometimes when he calls me Captain, it sometimes sounds so eerily similar to him saying Kathryn. But, I know the difference. I can feel it. Some people would easily mistake it, but not me, the fortunate recipient of that sweet word. Those loving eyes, the longing stares, the gorgeous smile that occasionally slips out. This man, who I truly believe, would sacrifice his own life to try to keep me from doing anything irrational. Sometimes I wish the tables were turned and he could call me Kathryn more often.

"What in God's name is wrong with me?" I practically shout to myself as I force myself up from my seated position and start to pace my quarters. Why is he consuming my thoughts? I thought I had buried my feelings so deep that they would never surface again. There was a moment on New Earth where I wanted so desperately to cave to my desires. I can only dream about what a good kisser he is, what a good lover he is.

My God, when we were under the table seeking shelter during the plasma storm and he encircled me in his arms pulling me against him for protection, I could feel him in more ways than one. He was strong, of course, but he was something that likely would fulfill any dream and desire that could and would ever possess me. Yet, I was stubborn and I used the damn Starfleet protocol as an excuse to allow me a moment of true bliss. Maybe even now in the midst of this darkness, I can start to see why he began to detest Starfleet all those years ago.

"Damn you, Starfleet!" I curse as I slam my coffee mug down on to the table near my kitchen before retreating to a standing position in front of my couch staring with anger and hurt into the sea of pitch black.

Why had it been engrained in me to always follow the book? To always follow the Starfleet book, in particular? If I hadn't chosen him to be my First Officer, no, he would still be an insubordinate of mine and I still wouldn't have been able to be in a relationship with him because I am the almighty Captain who has to sacrifice her, her everything for these people. I love my job. I love my position. I love my crew and would do anything for them. I love …

I had started pacing again but suddenly stopped and propped against the bulkhead. My emotions have never quite been this extreme before, not even after everything with my father and Justin. One minute, I feel beyond angry, then the next minute, I feel depressed. And one emotion that so rarely escapes me, I want to cry. Yet in the midst of it all, there's only one thing that I really crave more than anything – his arms.

I would do anything for him to walk through that door right now, my knight in shining armor, and wrap his arms around me and hold me like he did under that table on New Earth letting me know that it's okay. That no matter what I'm facing mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically, no matter what, that it's going to be okay. I have never craved this sensation ever before because I've always been so stubborn and so independent. So take-charge and I can do it all, but maybe deep down, the real Kathryn, who has been suppressed for so many years, is yearning for release, and I can only think of one person who can help me.

But why now?

Why after thirty plus years of living am I suddenly craving something so deep, emotional and so powerful? Is it the reality that my biological clock is slowly ticking? Is it regret over past decisions I've made? Failures? Should I have chosen a different career path that allowed me to be a wife and possibly a mother? What is it about him that causes me to yearn and ache in ways that I have never desired in my entire life? How can I, the most powerful woman in the Delta Quadrant, be so attracted to someone yet I can't even let him know how I feel?

My life feels like it is spinning out of control. It's amazing what a ridiculous void of space will do to the mind and the body. I've started feeling things I've never felt before. Thankfully, I haven't started seeing things, like a crazy person would, or have I and am in denial about it? Why is the almighty Captain Kathryn Janeway locking herself away from her crew and not taking her position on her throne on the bridge? Why am I allowing all of my past sins and failures to swarm me and overwhelm me and cloud any form of judgement and…

"Kathryn?"

My mind had been racing and spinning so fast that I failed to even hear the chime to my quarters let alone the door slide open. My former busy mind has now come to a crashing halt. I slowly turn to face him, and can only imagine the look upon my face because I am already quite unkempt in comparison to my atypical perfect as can be Captain's persona.

"Kathryn, are you okay?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing but a gasp of air came out. The one person who I had been thinking of, almost as if he were somehow reading my mind, magically had appeared before me. In a rare twist, I couldn't form a word, let alone a sentence, which was something I never struggled with. As if sensing my world crashing down upon me, I couldn't help but watch as he stepped closer to me, setting the PADD that he had been holding down on the table in front of my sofa. In that moment, I couldn't look at him. It was almost as if the Captain inside of me was roaring back saying that I couldn't appear vulnerable before my First Officer.

But I didn't even have to say anything because he had already seen me with my façade having been lessened. I looked disheveled with my hair here, there and everywhere; my face was stained with tears and mascara streaks. To say the least, I looked like an utter wreck, yet in some way in front of him, I knew it was okay. I knew he would never condone me, he would never hurt me and he would never tell anyone what he had witnessed. He was and is my rock. Maybe it was his Native American instincts, but being surrounded by his aura, I felt a complete and utter peace wash over me.

Stepping ever so closer, crowding my space, he did something he had never done before. He gently took my chin in his hand and tilted my face upwards to look at him. Deep within his eyes I saw confusion, maybe sympathy, concern, fear. But in one brief flicker, I saw a glance that I recalled from New Earth – the glimpse that I felt was love. It was never spoken then. It was almost as if an unspoken word, or an unspoken vow made to each other. Nonetheless, I felt it and saw it there, and I had just witnessed it again.

"Kathryn, please talk to me. What's going on?" he all but pleaded with me, which pulled at my inner heartstrings knowing how concerned and worried he was for me.

"I," was all I was able to get out before a fresh wave of tears encapsulated me. For some reason, I felt embarrassed to cry in front of him and pulled away and turned my back to him.

Before I even realized what had transpired, a complete comfort washed over me. I had had my head buried in one of my hands when I suddenly felt comforted and a warmth encircle me. He had come up behind me and wrapped me carefully in his arms. He never said a word as he pulled me against him, holding me firmly and protectively against his body. I didn't have my heels on, so our height difference was noticeable and after a few moments, he rested his head on top of mine. I knew he was filled with a million questions, but in that moment, my universe stood still. I needed the comforting arms and support of, not just any man, but only the one. That of my Chakotay.


End file.
